Let's bring it back.

Keep in mind that I wrote this as it came into my head and didn't really focus on making it flow all that well. So, sorry if it's a tad confusing. This is me; pouring my heart out:

These days- and by that I mean, everyday. The word "miss" attaches itself to a sentence with way too many people's names for my liking. Summer was my excuse for the distance between my relationship with friends. I tricked myself into thinking that everything was going to go back to normal as soon as I walked through the doors of school. Almost like I thought that seeing everyone I knew for the first time since school got out last year that just like that- it'd be like we had never had several months away from each other. I cannot say that I was ready for the surprise of this being so far from the truth; it's shocking. After all, it's only the second day of school. But, I already feel discouraged. My friends are who kept the constant smile on my face and always had my back. I can't help but to feel like I'm losing everything I once treasured- and still do. Close friends like I had last year are hard to come by. I feel as though I've let almost all of them slip through my fingers this summer and I'm lost without them. The only thought on my mind, when I actually have time to think- from volleyball, school, or whatever else- is about how much it'd mean to me to patch up every friendship that was so dear to me last year. That's my main focus right now. I have seen a change in myself lately, and it's not good. I understand that people change; they come and go- but that's not okay in this situation. I need my friends, whether they need me anymore is questionable- but I want them all back. And when I say back- I mean, I want the relationships that we once had last year to be re-born. They may not can tell that I feel this strongly as I do, because I keep my feelings so balled up tightly inside that no one can figure me out or what I'm thinking. So, don't take it personally if I surprise you once in a while- or all the time, actually. I must admit though, I do feel a bit selfish for expressing how much I miss people but not showing much effort to fix this. I guess I just build up all these walls with my feelings, and all I want is for someone to prove to me that I mean something to them, like they do to me. So here I am, waiting. Waiting for someone to break down these walls. I don't want to waste my time- which is very little- patching up a friendship that means nothing anymore to the person that I'm fixing it with. That's all I'm saying. But, I'm almost to the point where I'm going to start expressing my feelings more because I want things to change. Change can be good, you know. And that's what I'm aiming for. 

What goes through my head.

My sister and I were driving down the road one night- You know, just an everyday car ride to get somewhere we needed to be. She was trying to plug her phone into her charger when she took her eyes off of the road, for literally a second; enough time to blink or something. In just that second, we swerved. Nothing major: just a little left and back to the right sort of thing, as she straightened back up onto the road. But, it’s times like these that make you think. I know that ‘what if’s’ are pointless. But, it doesn’t hurt to wonder about how things would change ‘if’ something happened differently than they did. At that particular moment, I was thinking about what would have happened if we wrecked. Would people even care, I thought. I mean, of course my family would rush to the hospital in dramatics, but what about our friends and the people that know us personally? I guess times like those you find out who your true friends are- which you hear about all the time. But, it’s true, which brings me to something else that I can confidently say, we all are sick off. We all know someone like this; fake, for lack of a better word. They pretend to be someone they’re not just so that people will like and except them. All they want is to “fit in” with the crowd, which is ever so crucial now-a-days to some people, and they’ll do or say whatever they think will make people like them for who they pretend to be. Well, let me fill you in on something: you keeping a ‘secret’ that you really are and pretending to be something else isn’t getting you anywhere. You’re not fooling anyone. “Secrets are made to eventually be figured out over time.”  So- bottom line is, quit being fake and be yourself because that’s something that nobody can ever take away. I mean, people can take your ideas, your friends, copy what you do or say, but ultimately, you are you. And that is something amazing. Maybe not to you, but there’s someone out there that thinks you are. And you’re never going to know it if you’re not yourself around everyone you meet. Well, okay- Enough about that. And onto something else; how about this blog site comes in handy. It’s nice to be able and spill all of your thoughts out somewhere without bombarding an actual person. Hah, I like it. Now, I’m going to give myself the right to talk about myself. Even though I know nobody actually wants to read this, it’s just nice to let loose, which is exactly what I’ve been trying to do lately. Just go with the flow and stop being so uptight about everything. I’ve started looking at absolutely everything in all perspectives. When at first something upsets me or I don’t understand why somebody did something the way they did, I look at if as what if that was me. Life is so difficult already, I just wish that someday, everyone would learn to work together and stop adding stress to each others lives. People create such chaos and such; it’s so hard to keep a happy streak. But, chaos isn’t always a bad thing. It is however, when people begin to point out your flaws as if they make you a bad person. After reading this book for school The Truth About Forever, for some reason it opened my eyes. Your imperfections are what make you, you. And you should never expect yourself to be perfect, because that’s something you’ll never be. And why should you want something that you can never have? It’s pointless. Just like ‘what if’s’.  Something else- I know saying ‘I don’t care’ makes you seem like some heartless person who doesn’t have any emotions, but sometimes it just means, you’re not letting anything bring you down. It’s when you reach the point where being strong is the only choice you have and you’ve decided to embrace it instead of running away. That’s something that everyone’s got to learn eventually; that is, if you’re ever going to survive in this world. I guess I’ll just stop there for tonight, so I’ll end with this: Goodnight.