I don't want to want you.

It's been exactly a week and you've already found another girl... this is for you.

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sure hope you don't get mad at me..

yeah, i know this is a bit different from facebook, but your blog was left up on my computer and i couldn't help myself. i'd just like to remind how lucky i am to have such a wonderful friend. i know you're going through alot right now and there's no doubt in mind you won't come out of this a stronger person. you've got a big heart and you're a heck of a friend. i love you with all of my heart, and hope we will always be bestfriends.

<3, haley ranson.

She's a lady, and ladies shouldn't be messed with.

These past two weeks have flown by. I don't know where the time has gone. Everything happens so fast. That's why I live for today and not tomorrow.

You gotta move fast to last, these days.

"You got no one to depend on, just say your prayers and call it a night, love. You can hold onto the bedsheets, but they won't hold onto you." - Sequoyah Prep School.

A lot of things rush through my mind- let me assure you- it's filled with more thoughts than cars on a highway. I like it that way, though. It's as if I have an explanation for everything up there, somewhere. Even if I can not find that exact reason sometimes- or ever- I know it's there, and I can only hope that it's just stuck in traffic.

All I want to do is make it out alive. Don't get me wrong- I understand that I will not live forever, but I want to get the most out of my life while I am still here. And that starts now- it started 15 years ago, I just wish I knew back then what I was getting into. If only I didn't waste my time wanting to grow up. Wasted time that I will never get back as a little girl.

I will never be perfect. That's why I never strive to reach that level. I know it will never happen, so I save myself the disappointment. I figure, If I just expect to make it by- but I succeed beyond that, I'll get more joy out of that then setting the bar too high for myself to reach.

I'm a hypocrite, because everything that I want from people- I can't even provide.

"Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed I think about the little things that make life great I wouldn't change a thing about it This is the best feeling." - Avril Lavigne.

September 27, 2010: This is how my day was.
Today, I let go. Last night, I told myself today was going to be a good day. Woke up- straightened my hair, hoping it'd get your attention. Didn't manage my time, and had only five mintues remaining to finish getting ready. Hair done, that was it- not dressed, no make-up, nothing packed. I could feel my mood begin to plunder. I rushed out of the door, and started running out of my garage as my toe met the side of a leaf blower. On the way to school I looked out of the window, and refused to give into the pain. I got to school and realized that my toe had started bleeding. I made it on the bus for my journalism field trip just in time- and decided to put my earphones in to drown out the people around me. My morning had started out horribly, and I needed time to relax. I just wanted to be alone, close my eyes, and make the pain go away. And, now I know- even when bad things get in the way the best thing to do is step back and take a break- then get back on track. The rest of my day ended up really well. And, I have no doubt that it was all because I let myself get the time that I deserved to get myself back onto my feet- with a sore toe, that is- and continue my day with the intentions of making it a good one.

"I saw the sun going down in your eyes with all the lies that left us where we are." - Sequoyah Prep School.

I'm a girl with good intentions, with a lot more to learn.

"6 months" Hey Monday.  <--- Click. I would have typed the entire lyrics to this song, but it'd just be easier to let you listen to it for yourself.

What that picture says to the right, I couldn't have said better myself. Some people may say that that's an opinion, but I think that is a fact.

When I'm in a mood where nothing can bring me down- that's what I love the most. It's that one time where I can act my complete self, get all the werid looks from people who think I'm special, and throw my hands up in the air and say 'gotta' let go'. By the way- I know that was corny how I used a song lyric, but I was thinking it so I figured I'd write it down. Anyways, my life is all about having fun and turning heads.

Do more than exsist.

Have you ever wondered why you were put here on this Earth? What your purpose is. I literally just thought about this right now, and it's got me wondering.

I see a difference in telling someone you won't do something and doing it anyway, saying you will do something and never doing it, and doing something you never said anything about. The first two have more at fault then the last.

It seems as though people never take the time- as if their life can't spare a few minutes- to figure out who someone really is before they judge them. If you listen to what other people tell you about that person, that takes time- right. And, what's the difference between doing that and finding out for yourself? The difference is a lack in character.

"I want someone I can go to. Someone I can tell my secrets to. Someone who won't judge for the mistakes I've made, and the mistakes I will continue to make. I want someone who understands. I want someone who hears, not just listens. I want someone who says good night to me, and prays to God they get the chance to say good morning. I want someone who knows my quirks. I wants someone who wipes my tears away. I want someone who needs me. I want someone who loves me."

I liked that picture, because that's how I feel right now. However- in some ways, stupidity can be painful, but only through the consequences of acting stupid.

I wish I would go to school tomorrow and hear your voice call my name. Feel your arms wrap around me once more- a feeling that used to be familar. To see your lips form the words "I love you," and remind me that you'll always be there. 

I'm not a giver upper. I'm a go getter.

I should come with a warning label.

"Forgiveness is the healing of wounds caused by another. You choose to let go of a past wrong and no longer be hurt by it. Forgiveness is a strong move to make, like turning your shoulders sideways to walk quickly on a crowded sidewalk. It's your move."

  

Saying that I don’t care about you would be like saying I can survive without air. Hiding my mistakes from you; biting my tongue at the shame I could not bear to tell you. Lying to you was the last thing on my mind- protecting you from the truth was my intention. I looked into your face- usually fighting back a smile- but now seeing an expression filled with sadness; sadness that I had poured into your heart, and filled to the very top. If I had a penny for every time you shed a tear over my mistakes, one piggy bank would be too small. Wishing I could take my choices back would be pointless- but I do. Doing them in the first place was pointless- but I did them. My life is filled with pointlessness. You are not, however- that’s why I see you fading into the distance. It feels as though I’m fighting for nothing; fighting to prove that you are better off without me.  

Let's bring it back.

Keep in mind that I wrote this as it came into my head and didn't really focus on making it flow all that well. So, sorry if it's a tad confusing. This is me; pouring my heart out:

These days- and by that I mean, everyday. The word "miss" attaches itself to a sentence with way too many people's names for my liking. Summer was my excuse for the distance between my relationship with friends. I tricked myself into thinking that everything was going to go back to normal as soon as I walked through the doors of school. Almost like I thought that seeing everyone I knew for the first time since school got out last year that just like that- it'd be like we had never had several months away from each other. I cannot say that I was ready for the surprise of this being so far from the truth; it's shocking. After all, it's only the second day of school. But, I already feel discouraged. My friends are who kept the constant smile on my face and always had my back. I can't help but to feel like I'm losing everything I once treasured- and still do. Close friends like I had last year are hard to come by. I feel as though I've let almost all of them slip through my fingers this summer and I'm lost without them. The only thought on my mind, when I actually have time to think- from volleyball, school, or whatever else- is about how much it'd mean to me to patch up every friendship that was so dear to me last year. That's my main focus right now. I have seen a change in myself lately, and it's not good. I understand that people change; they come and go- but that's not okay in this situation. I need my friends, whether they need me anymore is questionable- but I want them all back. And when I say back- I mean, I want the relationships that we once had last year to be re-born. They may not can tell that I feel this strongly as I do, because I keep my feelings so balled up tightly inside that no one can figure me out or what I'm thinking. So, don't take it personally if I surprise you once in a while- or all the time, actually. I must admit though, I do feel a bit selfish for expressing how much I miss people but not showing much effort to fix this. I guess I just build up all these walls with my feelings, and all I want is for someone to prove to me that I mean something to them, like they do to me. So here I am, waiting. Waiting for someone to break down these walls. I don't want to waste my time- which is very little- patching up a friendship that means nothing anymore to the person that I'm fixing it with. That's all I'm saying. But, I'm almost to the point where I'm going to start expressing my feelings more because I want things to change. Change can be good, you know. And that's what I'm aiming for. 

What goes through my head.

My sister and I were driving down the road one night- You know, just an everyday car ride to get somewhere we needed to be. She was trying to plug her phone into her charger when she took her eyes off of the road, for literally a second; enough time to blink or something. In just that second, we swerved. Nothing major: just a little left and back to the right sort of thing, as she straightened back up onto the road. But, it’s times like these that make you think. I know that ‘what if’s’ are pointless. But, it doesn’t hurt to wonder about how things would change ‘if’ something happened differently than they did. At that particular moment, I was thinking about what would have happened if we wrecked. Would people even care, I thought. I mean, of course my family would rush to the hospital in dramatics, but what about our friends and the people that know us personally? I guess times like those you find out who your true friends are- which you hear about all the time. But, it’s true, which brings me to something else that I can confidently say, we all are sick off. We all know someone like this; fake, for lack of a better word. They pretend to be someone they’re not just so that people will like and except them. All they want is to “fit in” with the crowd, which is ever so crucial now-a-days to some people, and they’ll do or say whatever they think will make people like them for who they pretend to be. Well, let me fill you in on something: you keeping a ‘secret’ that you really are and pretending to be something else isn’t getting you anywhere. You’re not fooling anyone. “Secrets are made to eventually be figured out over time.”  So- bottom line is, quit being fake and be yourself because that’s something that nobody can ever take away. I mean, people can take your ideas, your friends, copy what you do or say, but ultimately, you are you. And that is something amazing. Maybe not to you, but there’s someone out there that thinks you are. And you’re never going to know it if you’re not yourself around everyone you meet. Well, okay- Enough about that. And onto something else; how about this blog site comes in handy. It’s nice to be able and spill all of your thoughts out somewhere without bombarding an actual person. Hah, I like it. Now, I’m going to give myself the right to talk about myself. Even though I know nobody actually wants to read this, it’s just nice to let loose, which is exactly what I’ve been trying to do lately. Just go with the flow and stop being so uptight about everything. I’ve started looking at absolutely everything in all perspectives. When at first something upsets me or I don’t understand why somebody did something the way they did, I look at if as what if that was me. Life is so difficult already, I just wish that someday, everyone would learn to work together and stop adding stress to each others lives. People create such chaos and such; it’s so hard to keep a happy streak. But, chaos isn’t always a bad thing. It is however, when people begin to point out your flaws as if they make you a bad person. After reading this book for school The Truth About Forever, for some reason it opened my eyes. Your imperfections are what make you, you. And you should never expect yourself to be perfect, because that’s something you’ll never be. And why should you want something that you can never have? It’s pointless. Just like ‘what if’s’.  Something else- I know saying ‘I don’t care’ makes you seem like some heartless person who doesn’t have any emotions, but sometimes it just means, you’re not letting anything bring you down. It’s when you reach the point where being strong is the only choice you have and you’ve decided to embrace it instead of running away. That’s something that everyone’s got to learn eventually; that is, if you’re ever going to survive in this world. I guess I’ll just stop there for tonight, so I’ll end with this: Goodnight.