Keep in mind that I wrote this as it came into my head and didn't really focus on making it flow all that well. So, sorry if it's a tad confusing. This is me; pouring my heart out:
These days- and by that I mean, everyday. The word "miss" attaches itself to a sentence with way too many people's names for my liking. Summer was my excuse for the distance between my relationship with friends. I tricked myself into thinking that everything was going to go back to normal as soon as I walked through the doors of school. Almost like I thought that seeing everyone I knew for the first time since school got out last year that just like that- it'd be like we had never had several months away from each other. I cannot say that I was ready for the surprise of this being so far from the truth; it's shocking. After all, it's only the second day of school. But, I already feel discouraged. My friends are who kept the constant smile on my face and always had my back. I can't help but to feel like I'm losing everything I once treasured- and still do. Close friends like I had last year are hard to come by. I feel as though I've let almost all of them slip through my fingers this summer and I'm lost without them. The only thought on my mind, when I actually have time to think- from volleyball, school, or whatever else- is about how much it'd mean to me to patch up every friendship that was so dear to me last year. That's my main focus right now. I have seen a change in myself lately, and it's not good. I understand that people change; they come and go- but that's not okay in this situation. I need my friends, whether they need me anymore is questionable- but I want them all back. And when I say back- I mean, I want the relationships that we once had last year to be re-born. They may not can tell that I feel this strongly as I do, because I keep my feelings so balled up tightly inside that no one can figure me out or what I'm thinking. So, don't take it personally if I surprise you once in a while- or all the time, actually. I must admit though, I do feel a bit selfish for expressing how much I miss people but not showing much effort to fix this. I guess I just build up all these walls with my feelings, and all I want is for someone to prove to me that I mean something to them, like they do to me. So here I am, waiting. Waiting for someone to break down these walls. I don't want to waste my time- which is very little- patching up a friendship that means nothing anymore to the person that I'm fixing it with. That's all I'm saying. But, I'm almost to the point where I'm going to start expressing my feelings more because I want things to change. Change can be good, you know. And that's what I'm aiming for.